fadagaski | Entries tagged with my brain iz pastede on yey

Lord of the Rings is on TV again. It's making me nostalgic for those 3 wonderful years of full fandom immersion. I don't remember reading a huge amount of fic, though I think the definition of 'huge' has been warped by my time in Harry Potter fandom. I loved the wait for the next film; I loved playing some of the tie-in games; I really loved gorging myself on Tolkien's works over and over again; I loved wallowing in the behind-the-scenes details of the movies and all those delicious DVD extras.

The sad thing is The Hobbit hasn't engendered the same level of enthusiasm anywhere on the Internet, never mind in myself, and the chances of reclaiming that sweet feeling of fandom gluttony are slimmer and slimmer every day.

I'm still determined to take a long holiday in New Zealand at some point.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Milton Keynes
Current Music: LOTR: FOTR

I've been trawling the Web (as you do) looking at fitness sites and pinterest, and I've noticed that even the 'body positive' posts are incredibly negative.

Why do we couch these ideas in negative language? Weight loss, fat burn, butt buster, killer abs, butt-kicking workout, etc. Run away from your problems! Beat out worries!

I don't hate myself. I don't hate my body or my life . I'm really not unhappy. I want to improve myself not because I'm poor or weak but because I can be better. I want to run towards a goal, not away from issues.

Screw this fat shaming shit.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Peterborough

It is an important and well-known fact that goldfish have better memory capacity than I do. I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. Case in point, today I left school ... without my netbook. Just - omg.

In other news, I have an interview on Monday and another on Wednesday. Both down south. I still have to teach on the Tuesday in Hartlepool though. SIGH.

All things considered, it being a Friday and all, it's not been a bad day thus far. Still got Pub tonight. In the immortal words of Princess Leia: "It's not over yet."

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: Langley Moor

Today I submitted my first application for my first teaching job. Am, obviously, a bit apprehensive.

I spend a lot of my time questioning my own motives. I think I live life very much in a 'grass is greener' kind of way. For example, mindless officework made me yearn for intellectual rigour. University study makes me nostalgic for the mindless jobs of yore. See?

Wherever I get a teaching job, if I should succeed, I don't want to stay too long. A year. Two at most. Then I want to travel. I've wanted to live abroad in a more permanent way since I was 14. When I go to Australia I'll work those mindless backpacker jobs. Grass might be greener down under, right?

But what if I start teaching and I don't want to leave. I'll be so conflicted because I've ALWAYS wanted to travel, but a new part of me might want to settle. Yet if I settle, and continue to teach in the UK because it's something I really love, will I then regret not travelling like I always wanted?

And as for the travelling. Am I clinging onto a dream past its expiry date? At my age (oh so ancient 25) backpacking as a long-term lifestyle choice is quite rare. Will I find it tedious? Will I find these young'uns to be terribly immature and naive? Probably.

Gah. Torn already and I haven't even had an interview yet.

Now, these might seem obvious to most, but my brain is a funny little place and it can take quite a while for anything to figure itself out.

Realisation 1) Uni stuff really isn't that hard. I spent 5 hours today reading for my essay and I think in the end it'll be fine. It'll all be fine. And I like teaching. The hardest part of the next 6 months is keeping on top of both whilst negotiating my treacherous inability to remember ~~anything~~ deadlines.

Realisation 2) I'm 25; if I'm very lucky I've got another 75 years left. This means two things: firstly, 6 months of teacher training followed by a scholastic year as an NQT are not, in the grand scheme of things, a drastic length of time; secondly, I have up to 75 years to explore the world. Since I was 14 I've planned my gap year (and put it off and put it off and put it off). Nowadays I know a year could never be enough. But that's okay! Because I will have 75 years - more or less - to live in a hundred different places and sail across oceans and drive over continents and just experience all the different shades of human life there are. It's no longer bound by ideas of settlement. If I have a partner, they must understand that very essential vagabond side of my nature; and if we have kids, then they'll just have to learn how to pack light. There's really nothing in the world to stop me.

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Location: Langley Moor

I've been a bit down in the dumps for, like, a month. Reasons for this include the weather, fanfic deadlines, crap at work, working crap jobs, the weather. But I've just eaten a chocolate bar and am currently basking in a seratonin glow, so! A post of my awesomeness:

A. I can run for 30 minutes without a break.
B. I have size 14 jeans.
C. My hair is pretty.
D. I've lost 2 st 6 lbs since January.
E. I have jobs, which provide money!
F. In September I start teacher training, at which I will rock.
G. I can write fic. IMHO I am good at writing fic. I will in fact write fic tonight.
H. I'm a good friend. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you.

Go me!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: United Kingdom, England,Durham, Brandon

Okay! So I met eharmony guy yesterday. The plan was a cup of tea at a cafe, but the cafe was shut (because this is the north where everything ceases to function after 4pm). So we went to a local Wetherspoons. Familiar ground, at least.

We talked for 3 hours. It was actually really nice to have a conversation with someone that wasn't all shorthand in-jokes about work or fandom. And it was really nice to know that someone is genuinely interested in learning about me.

Guy himself was very sweet. A little bit funny, a little bit deadpan, and the cutest red/gold curly hair. And a big nose, lol. But lovely.

( Now for the introspection... )

In conclusion: blah me, yay 2nd date on Saturday!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Guys. Guys. OMG. I want to write fic where Spock Prime and Gaila get it on, and then adopt baby!refugee!Nero. Just. *flail*

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Location: United Kingdom, Newbottle

1. Watching the source material after a loooong time of reading only fanfic is always really eye-opening. As in, yesterday I saw Reboot for the first time in at least a year, and it's incredible the extra subtleties you notice in each performance that only stand out in contrast to fan depiction. Summary: ilu Jim Kirk/Chris Pine.

2. startrekbigbang.

( Thoughts )

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Location: United Kingdom, Brandon

thingswithwings has made a great vid called The Price which is quite possibly the most awesome vid ever. Multifandom, with additional meta that is just 100% AWESOME.

I kind of want to burn both vid and meta to a 1000 CDs and spam all of Hollywood with it.

Which is not a little bit ironic, because I will fully cop that I am a manpain fetishist. No, really! Dean Winchester getting the crap kicked out of him for the sake of his brother or mom? Sweet! Jim Kirk against every baddy in the entire universe? I am SO there!

But I can also recognise the truth in the meta. White manpain is, like, the antithesis of every development we supposedly got out of the 60s. And it's so prevalent! I mean, the vid demonstrates it aptly!

In conclusion: watch the vid. Read the meta. Think critically about everything the media inflicts upon you. But also, enjoy it too. Because that's not a confusing contradiction of interests or anything.

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Langley Moor
Current Music: The Price - thingswithwings

I sometimes feel like I need to carry a disclaimer with me in fandom. "Warning: this person is a heteronormative able-bodied white girl with no history of mental illness. Please excuse any faux-pas made through ignorance."

I mean. Ok. Being in fandom means I'm already more exposed to alternative lifestyles and modes of thought than 98% of The Sun readership. I enjoy reading about those alternatives. Spock as a girl. Esca as the dom. Cross-dressing Harry Potter. Blind Dean Winchester. Sociopath Jim Kirk. I like to think I'm open-minded, enough that even when something throws me for a loop, I don't immediately cringe or attack.

I deliberately avoid discussion, as I am distinctly unqualified to offer opinion, in the same way I cannot comment with any authority on gay quadraplegic or black woman or trans bipolar experience. Commentary on those experiences should come from those that are living them first, before anyone as privileged as me weighs in.

But. I have a plot bunny. Because a lot of genderswap is awesomely cracktastic and I love it. I just want something a little deeper. So I brainstormed (wait, is that term considered offensive by epileptics? Please advise). I've got an idea for a fic, a genderswap that isn't cracky. I just don't know if I can pull it off, because I am female in body and mind and happily so. What if I don't see a potential problem for the characters in my fic? What if I write it but someone is offended?

These are, of course, everyday considerations. I am mostly a pacifist, and deplore confrontation of any kind. I don't want to hurt anyone. But in the text-only world of the Internet, in a corner that attracts a lot of Other-identifying people as a safe haven, it becomes especially important to guard your words, explain your meaning, and hope that everyone is as open-minded as you try to be. Even to someone as 'normal' as me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Location: United Kingdom, Brandon

12 mins to the end of Boy's mock English exam. A random post of randomisity:

A. I am self-sabotaging. Been staying up hella late this week reading badfic instead of writing my own fills or, y'know, sleeping. Brain, you are not so subtle.

B. eHarmony. Got a few convos going with some matches. I suppose the next part is to arrange coffee dates? IDEK. I've never dated before. I've never had a boyfriend before. How does this adult thing go?

C. I fail at writing fic. I'm more disciplined about running than about writing. Blaegh.

D. If the summer would just hurry up and load instead of timing out then the world would be a lot better.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Location: United Kingdom, Durham

I am ill. I admit it today, because I was too achy to go running (I beat the fever on Wednesday though!). Muppets Treasure Island makes me feel better.

Have spent most of the morning looking up the visa requirements for Australia and New Zealand. Contrary to what I thought, the Kiwi visa is up to age 30. That sucks ... a lot.

It has also come to my attention that I have a regret. University. I went because the government was threatening to withdraw funding. I knew I wanted to get a degree, but I didn't know what in. So I picked the most broad subject (American Studies and English) and went off to study. And, okay, it was fun, and I don't regret Canada or meeting

bustahead (well ...) but -

Okay, clarification of thought: I regret being mid-20s and in debt and stuck in frigid England when I could have been globetrotting for the past 6 years.

Benefits of hindsight I guess.

Ah well! I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. Mostly I'm just annoyed that I'm cutting it very fine with the Australasia working holiday visa stuff (age-wise, that is).

Current Mood: ill
Current Location: Langley Moor
Current Music: Muppets Treasure Island

Shamelessly pilferred from

loneraven. ( tl;dr meme )

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Location: Langley Moor
Current Music: Riverdance

Being a libra, I am quite often indecisive. I can see the pros and cons of all my choices. This in itself is no bad thing. Despite my wishy-washy nature, I've always planned on touring the world. The means and methods of that plan have fluctuated over the years, but itchy feet are as much my trademark as balancing scales. And yet ...

If I met someone next year with whom I could start a life, a family ... I would settle down. Me, the transient.

The one thing I want more than a round the world ticket is a child.

Bah. Maudlin at Xmas without even alcohol to excuse it.

Happy holidays all!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: United Kingdom, England

Bought car insurance. Cleared out 4 bin bags' wort of clothes for charity. Still so much crap left! Wish I could be more ruthless - it's not like anyone would know if I chucked their gift - but something stops me. Ah well.

Also job-hunted. Will do mass call and email campaign tomorrow. Must stay in England until debt is paid (unless DCL hire me). Looking at those work from home ads. Almost undoubtedly scams, but so tempting nevertheless! What I wouldn't give for some easy money.

I still want to take the NVQ in cooking. I also want a CELTA (when I go to New Zealand, I think) and a childcare qualification. And a PhD. I feel like a sailboat with no rudder.

Need to get a life cobbled together here. How depressing is that? Four months in America, running away from monotony. Camping in tents, eating simple food and drinking with friends - it felt natural in a soul-deep way.

Tim says he wants to come to the UK next year. That'll be interesting, if I'm not on a boat in the Caribbean. Anywhere but here, right?

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Birtley

It's always frustrating and embarrassing when it's made clear to one just how ignorant and/or uneducated one is. In my case, maths has always been my downfall. Complex equations are beyond me, and I'm okay with that.

However, what has been made apparent very recently is my lack of basic mathematical knowledge. I put this squarely on the shoulders of my school, for failing to provide adequate maths teachers for pretty much my entire tenure.

Today, I decided to practice speed/time/distance calculations at lunchtime (don't ask). First, I had to look up how to do this. Then, I had to look up how to multiply decimal places. When this proved too confusing, I had to look up simply long multiplication.

I'm not stupid. This isn't an inability to grasp basic maths. This is a lack of training, and no requirement for mental arithmetic in the modern world.

Plan of action: acquire a Key Stage 3 revision guide to work through the problems at lunchtime. I will not be held back by the failings of a special measures school 8 years past.

Fitness update: not good. Cycled for 25 minutes on Saturday morning, but have had a tonne of chocolate since then. Also had egg fried rice for lunch today. Oops.

I think this might be an easier endeavor out in California this summer. There will at least be a pool to swim in after work.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Location: Birtley
Current Music: Love Never Dies OST

( On Being English )

And it appears we have learned nothing as a country if we've voted in the BNP. Jesus fucking Christ.

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Location: Ushaw Moor

Am looking at US colleges for PhD. UC Berkeley looking good.

Kill me now.

Current Mood: cranky
Current Location: Whickham
Current Music: Highway to Hell - ACDC

I'm thinking of deferring my place at Durham for a year. This is mostly because I am stupid amounts of indebted, and it would be sensible and wise to hold off for 12 months. It would give me a chance to work off what I owe, maybe even put some aside for tuition fees instead of taking out a loan, etc etc. Boring financial stuff is boring.

Also, I'd TOTALLY go back to summer camp next year. I've been missing it more and more, which is bizarre but not unexpected. I pine for Californian summer.

Should I defer my place at Durham?

Current Mood: heartburn-y
Current Location: Ushaw Moor

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Page generated Jun. 26th, 2025 08:24 pm

The Blob

of mushified brainisms

Entries tagged with my brain iz pastede on yey

So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Fandomers

Negative fitness

A life without memory

Looking ahead

Two realisations

A positivity post!

Introspection and a date

Fandom + crack - brain = omg u guyz

Two things

Manpain...ism? Manpainphilia?

On being heteronormative

Tutoring again

Results of a fever

End of 2010 meme

Misdirections

Decisioning is hard

Edumafication

The English Dilemma

Kill me now!

Thinkyness 2.0

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April 2019

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