fadagaski | Recent Entries

I feel like I've turned an emotional corner in the last week or so.

I'm in Shanghai, but I haven't been particularly happy about that. In fact, I've been bloody miserable sometimes, and very prone to complaining about things. There have been a lot of hours spent investigating other jobs and ways of living that would get me out of here.

The thing is, that isn't viable. For better or worse, I'm stuck here for at least another year and very likely longer - 5 years or more, maybe.

And so I've been sulking on this and grizzling about this pretty much since September.

Then, in the past fortnight, it has dawned on me: I can't change the circumstances of my being here, but I can change my attitude about it.

Obvious, right? Pretty sure I've had that pep talk with myself a dozen times in the last six months. But I really feel now that I've internalised the message. I am in charge of my own experience to a great extent.

So. No more bitching about school. No more hunting for exit strategies. I'm here now. Might as well smile about it.

I've started writing again. I'm exercising for the first time in years. I'm looking at a new apartment on Sunday. I have a cat. The family back home are doing okay.

Smile.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Shanghai
Current Music: All I Need - Air

I have been in a bit of a slump since November without really realising it. Symptoms included playing too many computer games at the expense of my responsibilities, eating way too much delivered junk food and not exercising at all, giving up on my Masters, and making aborted efforts to leave my job and China.

But with the new lunar year I think I am finally waking up again. I am back on with the Masters. I am making the effort to eat better and move more. I am trying harder to act like the professional adult I'm meant to be at 32.

(32. My God where does the time go?)

I have been thinking hard about my life, what I want it to look like now and where I want to direct it in future. I'm tired of letting the hours and days and weeks slip through my fingers with nothing to show for it but grey hair and a wider waistline.

This is my year.

Today I received confirmation that I can stay on in Shanghai, thus rescinding my notice. It's not that Shanghai is super amazing or that the job is super amazing, but I've come to some realisations. Namely:

This is my life. This is the rest of my life. I am an ex-pat English teacher. I will spend the next 30+ years working in foreign schools (unless there's WW3 or a zombie apocalypse). I've been halfway assuming that I will be coming back to the UK to look after mum but ... that's not really possible. I am the breadwinner. I have to be abroad to support people at home, which means trusting sister to get on with things here and hoping that mum can cope with being on her own so much. Or else finding solutions to those things in the future, but me — I'm gone.

It feels good to come to terms with that. I can start to feel a little less transient, start to think about finding comfort and a life in the places I'm staying, start to consider longer term stints at whatever school I'm at.

I need to give Shanghai more of a chance anyway. Be less of a hermit. Stop waiting for, well, nothing. I've been living in a train station waiting for the next arrival but there isn't one. There's just me, making choices about how I want to live my life.

So. No more waiting for nothing. Yes, I have hardly any money. Yes, the school I'm at isn't brilliant and the hours are long as fuck, but. I can still make the best of it. I can still do something with my free hours beside sit under two quilts and surf Tumblr.

I'm 32 and we're coming into 2019 and tomorrow is another possibility.

We are 18 years into the new millennium. How weird is that?

Mum and Sister are settled in Shetland, for the most part. My money isn't enough for them to live comfortably, but that should improve when I go to Shanghai.

Oh yes, I am going to Shanghai this year. My new job starts in August. Exciting!

I might have to take out a loan to go to Kenya at Easter but it will definitely be worth it. Once in a lifetime opportunity, especially as these animals are facing extinction.

I'm still with the Scientist. It's not forever, I don't think. He's a funny guy and usually nice, but there's a mean streak in him. In addition, I just don't feel particularly strongly about him. Most of the time I'm faintly annoyed, which is no basis for a relationship.

As ever, the goal this year is to lose weight. I've had to face up to a few health glitches in 2017 caused by my disordered eating. I've got PCOS, which is comorbid with insulin resistance. I'm going to eat keto primal and do a little bit of exercise. Sister has also recommended inositol as a supplement.

Life is okay, and I'm okay with life at the moment. I wish I earned more, or that my money went further, so I could do more with it instead of it all going to family, but that's just how it is for now. Maybe in 2021 I'll be going for a position as Head of English at a nice school that will pay me lots.

Still over on Tumblr.

Still teaching in the UAE.

Still fangirling Mad Max: Fury Road.

Current Mood: sneezy

I've jumped ship to Tumblr (fadagaski.tumblr.com) where I post almost exclusively about Mad Max Fury Road.

Hoo-boy! So things are spiralling rapidly towards the future! But let's back up, and track how it's come to this point.

I decided I wanted to be a freelance writer.

I put out my CV into the world.

I received a job offer as a contracted writer in the education sector, which I had to turn down because of the hella long notice period required of teachers.

I handed in my notice.

I thought, off-hand, about looking for teaching jobs abroad.

I looked at teaching jobs abroad.

I applied for a bunch (literally, like, 100).

I signed up for 10 agencies.

I was offered two jobs, and rejected both as unsuitable.

I signed up for one more agency.

I got a job in Fujairah, that starts in August.

And that's where it's at! Wow! School ends here next Friday, and I fly out on 19th August. I'll be down in London tomorrow sorting out some paperwork. It's kind of crazy that 4 months ago I was all gung-ho about leaving teaching entirely. Not anymore, it seems.

Also, my family are looking to move to the Orkneys in 3 years' time, so there's that to look forward to as well.

All aboard the Emirates Express!

Current Mood: excited
Current Location: Peterborough

At 6.30am I began the best interview of my life! Isn't Skype amazing? The Principal who interviewed me was unbelievably nice and it felt like having a chat with a friend instead of an interview. I hope I get offered the job! It would be a brilliant place to work!

Current Mood: ecstatic

They pay better.

I might be moving to China in 5 months.

Current Mood: confused
Current Location: Milton Keynes

July 2015
- Finish manuscript.
August 2015
- Pitch for freelance opportunities. This is the litmus test.
- Apply for mortgage.
September 2015
- Edit manuscript. Test on guinea pigs.
- Happy birthday to me!
October 2015
- Find an agent.
- Start second novel.
- Continue to find new freelancing opportunities.
November 2015
- Buy a house.
- If successful, start sole trader company.
December 2015
- Enjoy Christmas.
- Finish second novel.
January 2016
- Edit novel. Test on guinea pigs.
February 2016
- Submit second novel to agent.
March 2016
- Continue to find new freelancing opportunities.
- Start script writing.
April 2016
- Tax returns!
May 2016
- Hand in notice/ask for reduced hours.
June 2016
- Continue to find new freelancing opportunities.
July 2016
- Finish script.
- Last day?

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Milton Keynes

There are many things I want to do, and seeing the path to doing them is nigh impossible. I want to live a location-independent existing, working from country to country for the rest of my life. I would support myself any way I could - online/freelance writing, WWOOFing, TESOL, anything. I would go where the wind swept me.

But I can't. I have debts here, responsibilities, things and people that need looking after. So I must stay.

I tried looking up different ways to make money online. There are lots of ideas out there ... none of them guaranteed. I can't risk that.

The Yearning is for a challenge. To travel the world would be an immense challenge, but it's not possible right now. Instead, I'm setting my sights on something else. My new challenge - to get a Masters (in American Studies) and then a PhD (in Education?).

And maybe, in that time, other challenges might arise. Who knows?

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Peterborough

My Harry Potter love has been rekindled by my visit to the set at Watford. It was so great I'm going back again in January.

NANOWRIMO '14
I'm writing a story that I think has got real traction. The MC is a princess with epilepsy whose sister is assassinated by Fae, who live in an adjoining realm and are the sole suppliers of Fae Dust - a substance greatly in demand in the human world. I think it technically is Contemporary Fantasy. I'm really excited about it!

READING
I don't read enough at all, which is a huge shame and something I'd like to correct. Yesterday I took Ultraviolet by

rj_anderson out of the school library, and I finished it in a day. A really great novel! I thought the descriptions were incredibly vivid - it made synesthesia easy to understand and 'visualise' (for lack of a better term) - and if you ignore the sequel, the ending is wonderfully ambiguous. Highly recommended!

GENERAL
I'm off school today with a fever and sore throat. Feel like craaaaaaaaaaaaaap.

Current Mood: sore
Current Location: Milton Keynes
Current Music: Jungle Boy

Please sponsor me: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/nicola-goes-bald

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Location: Milton Keynes

Lose your temper once in this entire week of crap and feel like a monster. FML.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Location: Milton Keynes
Current Music: winter Olympics

I'm marking the first Teacher Assessment for my Year 6 kids and every. single. one. triggers a mental chorus of OMG OMG OMG D:D:D: I am the worst teacher ever. That's the only explanation for 25/27 kids scoring so abysmally.

Actually want to cry. Think I might.

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: Milton Keynes

Dublin and surrounding areas.
The Highlands of Scotland.
Yorkshire dales.
Brittany.
The whole of Italy.
Iceland.
Norway.
Romania.

Had another dream about babies. This time I had twin boys in Sweden or somewhere. I was trying to get a house back in the UK that was big enough for me, the babies (omg they were so tiny and precious), my sister, my mother, Jared Padalecki and his daughter, Jensen Ackles and his daughter, and a fat sweaty 'uncle' who was lecherous in the extreme. I had to leave my twins behind with my mother so the actors could get their kids into the country. When I finally got my boys they grew so fast they were toddling in days.

Weird.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Location: Milton Keynes

My mother is teaching me to knit! For the purposes of making tea cosies. Obviously.

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The Blob

of mushified brainisms

Recent Entries

Am I finally grown up?

Year of the Pig

General Reflections

Hello 2018

Yearly update

New Year, old news?

State of the nation

I love Skype!

Or the Middle East

Oh life headdesk

The grand plan

The Yearning

WB Studio Tour

Reading and Writing

I shaved my head for charity!

Big sister fail

Being a teacher sucks

Places I am going to visit very soon if it kills me list

Dream babies

Domestic goddess